News: GTAIV: San Andreas Beta 3 is out now


Last year we reported that the Grand Theft Auto fan favorite cult, The Epsilon Program, had returned for Grand Theft Auto V. Between July and November, Rockstar regularly posted to the cult's Twitter account. After the end of November, the account once again went silent, despite promising a new screensaver coming the week after November 25th. This past weekend the account once again came back to life, blaming a lawsuit for its silence and releasing that long ago promised screensaver. 

The screensaver, download link below, features a number of scriptures with footage taken from Grand Theft Auto V playing in the background. We have taken the liberty of extracting the videos and goals/pledges below. We've also extracted a high-resolution picture of what could possibly be the Epsilon Program leader, again available below.

  • THE 12 GOALS OF EPSILONISM
    • WE ARE MAKING AN ASSAULT ON HAPPINESS
    • WE WILL BE GENEROUS, IN WAYS THAT ARE UPWARDS AND WAYS THAT ARE MANIFEST
    • THE GOALS OF EPSILONISM WILL CONTINUE TO BE REVEALED IN DUE TIME. KIFFLOM.
  • THE EPSILONIST PLEDGE
    • ALL GOOD THINGS COME FROM KRAFF, THAT IS THE FACT ON WHICH EPSILONISM IS BUILT.
    • EPSILONISM IS A SCIENCE AS WELL AS A RELIGION - IN FACT, WE ARE THE ONLY RELIGION THAT IS ALSO A SCIENCE AND
    • WHICH IS CONCERNED WITH SEEKING OUT TRUTH.
    • AS REAL TRUTH SEEKERS, WE ARE WILLING TO PAY TO MAKE THE SEARCH GO BETTER. IN THIS WAY WE ARE INVESTING IN OUR FUTURE.
    • THE PLEDGE WILL CONTINUE TO BE REVEALED IN DUE TIME. KIFFLOM.
  • THE 12 TENETS OF KIFFLOM
    • The world is 157 years old - FACT!
    • Dinosaurs are a lie that people believe because they are weak - FACT!
    • You are happy, you just don't know it - FACT!
    • We all come from the same tree - FACT!
    • Everyone is related to everyone else, except for people with red hair - FACT!
    • Sperm does not exist - it is a lie spread by biology teachers - along with everything else you have ever been told - FACT!
    • Men are supposed to lie with nine new partners a week. Women are supposed to lie with six, except for in July, when they must lie with five men a day - FACT!
    • Aliens exist and are present on earth. If you have a birth mark, you may be descended from Kraff, the famous Emperor of the 4th Paradigm - FACT!
    • Trees talk, but only some people hear them - FACT!
    • People who believe in something live much longer than atheists, and they have eternal life thrown in for good measure - FACT!
    • If you believe this and turn your hands and wallet over to EPSILONISM, you'll live a happy life. Otherwise you are doomed - FACT!
    • KIFFLOM - HAPPINESS IS YOURS! KIFFLOM!

Rockstar ended their post with "Directions will be provided in one week's time."

Download: The Epsilon Program screensaver


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